Dear me,
I am a translator.
I translate me for others.
My tools are research and practise.
Yet, there is always a gap.
In that gap lives rumination and reflection.
The rumination demands self-soothing rituals as
I keep asking myself: “Could I have done better?”
The reflection helps me translate better, so that I can do better.
I am a filter.
I filter me for the world.
I let through what makes the world comfortable.
I hold back what makes me comfortable in the world.
In doing so, I am uncomfortable.
I become even more uncomfortable when I cannot filter the world for me.
I become too much.
In that too muchness live meltdowns and shutdowns.
The meltdowns demand too much from those closest to me.
The shutdowns demand everything from me.
I am a mirror.
I reflect what is around me.
This way, a gaze is not something I have to meet as me.
Any I for an eye is enough to pass.
I have spent so much of my life being a curated response to a variety of:
Whats
Whens
Wheres
Whys
Hows
It is exhausting. I don’t want to be this tired. My energy is precious to me.
I want to speak my native tongue and have someone else translate to understand.
I want to filter out what suits me and be comfortable in the world.
I want to meet my eye in a mirror and have that be enough.
I want to be Who I know myself to be without guessing.
Not alien, not outcast, not curation, not reflection. Just quirky and curious and happy to be.
Because then I know I will be less tired. And my precious energy can be put to better use.