Dear me,
Between the ages of 14-17, my teenage rebellion manifested as activism. I fashioned myself a feminist and devoured the writings of Simon de Beauvoir, Marilyn French, Camille Paglia. I wanted to be a woman who ran with the wolves - powered by primal rage and waiting to exact poetic justice on the patriarchy. I was not curious about reason.
Then I grew older. I grew tired.
In my twenties, freshly into the world of work, I realised that I had to stop ranting and start reasoning for change. So I went back to school and studied women novelists, postcolonial literature, advanced critical reading, cultural studies. I armed myself with with a vocabulary that I could wield to compel submission from anyone who might disagree with my brand of feminism. I was not curious about compromise.
Then I grew older. I grew hoarse.
In my thirties, beginning to take on leadership roles, I realised the futility of aiming to win every battle all of the time. If meeting in the middle today meant being one step closer to the desired outcome tomorrow, then that was fine. I told myself that I must be heard, but perhaps I did not have to shout. I was not curious about listening.
Then I grew older. I grew quiet.
Now in my forties, I am beginning to realise that change does not happen from talking or fighting or wanting. Change happens from listening, negotiating, giving. I have seen it happen through the deeds of many women whom I have encountered over my life thus far. Women who listen with generosity, speak with grace, serve with humility. Women who reject the notion that these characteristics are inferior, weak or ineffective. Women who have made these the core of their brand of leadership even if it means fewer accolades and less formal recognition. From them, I have learned that whose table you seek to sit at matters, whose voice you choose to shout down matters, and that it is never okay to rise on the back of someone you have held down.
As I continue to grow older, I realise that I can choose to be someone who 'leans in', but I can also choose to be someone whom others can lean on. Big-change advocacy is always going to be necessary but perhaps my brand of feminism (if I can profess to have any at all) is small-change action.
I continue to grow older. But I now realise that this is a journey of growing into more.
More human.
More me.
It is finally beginning to be less exhausting growing into my womanhood.